It has come to my attention that I possess a high probability of success when faced with a challenge that has as its central device, a pumpkin. That large orange gourd and I appear to share a unique bond, a bond that consists of that fruit’s(?) uncanny ability to facilitate my winning of prizes. From feats of intellect through to feats of artistry, I have reigned supreme in every pumpkin related contest I’ve participated in, in recent memory… All two of them.
1. A feat of intellect.
Last winter I was cruising the aisles of the Edmonton farmers market, a favorite destination of mine due in large part to the kim chi vendor that existed there. Wandering about I caught sight of a large orange bulbous object in my periphery which, as I’m sure you can guess, was a pumpkin, though a pumpkin of considerable size and girth. Upon closer examination of this fruit(?) it became apparent that this pumpkin was the subject of a challenge, a challenge of intellectual prowess, that being to discern said pumpkins weight. I collected my thoughts, placed them in order, ran through mental formulas and algorithms, stretched my mental fortitude to the limits of my very sanity… and wrote down my answer, the sweat dripping from my brow at the sheer exertion of it all. A few days later I received the call… I had of course, answered correctly. Ten massive buckaroos in my pocket. Cha-Ching!
2. A feat of artistry.
A few days ago I find myself in Montreal in the presence of some of the most lovely of my friends, including one Benjamin Tyne and one Sophia Darling. We hear tell of a local pub that host a weekly arts and crafts night. Possessing in our persons both the love of arts and the love of crafts, we decide to investigate. Walking in we are greeted with the spectacle of a myriad of young adults feverishly engaged in pumpkin carving. We are promptly informed this is a competition… “Hmmm,” I think… “a contest involving pumpkins… my specialty.” And so with the aid of my dear friends Benjamin and Sophia, we obtain a pumpkin and wreak sweet beautiful havoc on its visage. Initially at a loss for ideas we proceed to contemplate what the figure of our fruit(?) might resemble. Being an honorable man I must give credit to where credit is due and provide adequate props to one dapper young gentleman with the name of Derek Colley, an exceptionally fine lad by any consideration, who suggested a pregnant woman’s belly. To which I responded “A fetus!… but not just any fetus… an evil fetus!” , “Terrifying” Benjamin responded. And so the stage was set for the most horrifying of jack o’ lanterns. At this present juncture a dialogue was entered concerning which of our party should design said fetus. Not one of us apparently blessed with any sort of artistic ability, we all seemed hesitant. Eventually, fatefully, the short straw fell upon myself whereupon I mustered ever last iota of artistic strength from within my soul and set to pumpkin what had previously only existed within my mind. Generally there has been a significant disconnect between what exists in my brain and what my hand is able to produce… but this night… this night things were different. For on this night there was a contest involving pumpkins. To the beats of the illustrious and renowned Doctor Dre’s award winning thesis work on Chronic in 2001, I had my way with that pumpkin that night. The result, nothing short of a masterpiece. After my work was done and Benjamin and Sophia had imparted their expert craftsmanship to this glorious work, the stage was set for a heated competition. We went about our nights events with this large gourd ever present in the back of our minds. And finally… finally the judgement was passed. The outcome can of course be guessed… we reigned supreme to the cheering and well-wishing of the infinite masses. The free beer was ours!
The point of all of this… if you find yourself in a contest involving a pumpkin… drop me a line… I have a gift.